Question: How do you lose your most private personal thoughts?
Answer: You can either suffer amnesia or put it in a book and misplaced it.
Obviously I didn't suffer amnesia so no special prize to guess what I did.
It's mind-boggling! Where the hell did I put it! Of all the notebooks, journals and diaries I have ever own that one is my most prized possesion. That once empty notebook has evolved from an innocent journal as part of the requirement for an English course to become a diary where I write down the most outrageous things that could come out from this little head.
It contains all the weird dreams I've had, and that ridiculous crush that never will come up to anything, even the craziest thought that I'm going to be the next big thing that ever come out of Malaysia. It has everything that I'm pretty happy to keep just between myself and the book thank you very much.
And now I don't know where it is and I didn't even realize it until last night.
It started when I saw this in eyeris's blog and I thought, "Hmmm... maybe this is a good time to experiment that idea I got. Now where did I put that book?"
I've looked everywhere and I can't find it. I even looked behind the boxes, tables, and cabinets by chance that it fell behind one of it. I'm sure I didn't throw it away and God forbids if I give it away. I stopped writing diary stuff in it ever since I started blogging. But I still use it to note down some very private stuff not suitable for public viewing and ideas that could well possibly be the greatest novel/screenplay of all time (I told you there are some absurd things in there). It may have been missing since January and I only realized it now. So maybe I did suffer some degree of amnesia to lose something as important as that.
I was excited when I heard National Novel Writing Monthis coming again. I remember reading about it in The Star last November and thinking if I'd be able to pull it off. Ever since I won that Short Story Competition in school I have harbored this dream of becoming a writer. But you know the drill. You would start to give yourself excuses not to start. No time! Not original enough! What a weak plot! No one would want to read that! Who would in their right mind would publish that?
What's great about NaNoWriMo is it gives the opportunity for anyone to test themselves and see if their up to the challenge. No excuses. Just do it. What you write may not be great (most of the time it's not) and no one is there to judge your work. No prize is given to the best novel. The only reward you get out of it is the satisfaction that you can churn out the words if you put your mind to it. It might be a whole bunch of crap but you did it. You wrote 50000 words in 30 days, long enough for a short novel and pray that it's good enough that you can still work on it and make it presentable for public consumption. I finally had a chance to do it and this happens. I was so gung-ho to do it last night but now I'm not so sure.
So yeah I can come up with another outline. I still have the basic plot in my head. I know how it's going to end , just don't know how it's going to get there. But then... maybe losing that book is a sign. Maybe I'm not meant to be a writer. Maybe this is it. This is as good as it gets. I'm going to spend the rest of my life blogging mundane everyday stuff, talking about The Amazing Race at its 27th season.
I can't believe it. My first attempt to finally start writing something is crushed. Mangled. Destroyed. This is the end of my career as premature as it is.